Why is it so hard to stop beating myself up?  Why am I so much harder on myself than I am on anyone else?  Why do I say things to myself that I would never dream of saying to anyone else? I have often asked myself these questions and am currently working to change this about myself.  On my journey here are some things I have discovered.

• Your unconscious core beliefs are controlling your thoughts.

While it is true, we often engage in negative self-talk, it is our unconscious thoughts that feed that dialogue. Inside our subconscious is where those beliefs truly begin.  Believing that we are worthless is inevitably connected to beliefs that were established in our minds long ago. As children, many of us had adults in our lives that hurt us, some intentional and some not. Whether it was a parent trying to light a fire under us, a teacher who should have never been placed in charge of young developing minds, or a damaged adult passing on their own past hurts, sometimes as children we have things said to us that get stuck in our minds.  We likely don’t even think much about the event that happened only the assessment that was levied against our worth when we were trying to figure out who we were.  These false beliefs are lies that we need to intentionally fight against.

•  If you really listen, your inner voice is extremely critical and judgmental.

Now that you know what is fueling your inner voice, you can take steps to intentionally change the message. Even if you think of yourself as a positive person, chances are your inner dialogue is not so positive when it comes to judging yourself.  If you stop and take the time to listen to what you are telling yourself on a daily basis, you may be surprised.  The next time you hear your own voice saying, “You are so stupid!” stop and change the message saying something like, “No I am not stupid, I am actually very smart but just made an honest mistake”.  Likewise, if you hear yourself saying, “You can’t do anything right.” Stop and change the message saying something like, “That is not true.  There are lots of things you do right.” Then list some.  It takes a concerted effort but with time and a lot of practice you can change what you tell yourself.  I often ask myself, “If you wouldn’t say that to someone you love, why is it ok to say it to yourself?”  Love yourself enough to change the way you treat yourself.

•  You surround yourself with negative people.

Even though most of us need no help being hard on ourselves, it seems we also choose friends and relationships that will treat us the way we feel we deserve. If we don’t choose them, we at least put up with being treated poorly.  Stay away from people who devalue you and instead choose only healthy relationships that build you up.  If you are telling yourself you are worthwhile, and your friends are saying things that build you up, you will find that you are in a place of much greater strength when things go wrong.

• Your parents were critical, demanding or aloof.

You may think you had everything you wanted and needed as a kid, but did you?  Maybe you always wanted the approval from your parents that never came.  Maybe you felt that they wanted you to be smarter, quieter, better at sports or maybe they just liked your sibling better.  Whatever it was, you got the message loud and clear, “You are not enough”. Maybe your parent just wasn’t good at being a parent because of their own unresolved issues.  Kids naturally want love and approval, so we learn to try to be who they wanted us to be.  The long-term result of this is becoming an adult that feels unworthy.

•  Your parent was unable to effectively take care of you

Some children have parents who suffer from alcoholism, depression or possibly were in a toxic relationship that took everything they had to give, leaving nothing for their child.  When a parent is not well, often the child feels responsible to fix things.  If you were better or smarter or did this or that then things would be different, but a kid can’t fix this kind of parent.  This ends up making a child feel that they are not good enough.

• You didn’t get proper “attachment” as a kid.

Attachment, in the psychology world is when a child gets unconditional love and trust.  The “attachment theory” states that for the first seven years of life a child absolutely needs unconditional love to be able to trust his or her primary caregiver”.  When this doesn’t happen, we can end up with an “anxious attachment”.  This will lead to a distrust of ourselves or others and a lack of confidence.

•  You experienced strong trauma in the past.

Of course, one big way to develop a negative self-worth is being abused.  Childhood trauma destroys a child’s sense of worth.  Most kids feel responsible for the trauma that happened to them whether it be physical or sexual.  They often internalize the idea that they are bad or worthless and therefore deserved it.

While it is inevitable that our experiences as a child affect us, there are other factors in play as well.  There are those who are born with a more sensitive personality, todays catch phrase is being an “empath”.  This type of personality tends to suffer more from negative events because they internalize and feel everything stronger. This in no way justifies the mistreatment that took place rather, I have included it only to explain why one child feels more affected by it than their sibling.

Other times the trauma that changed you happened as an adult. Be it abuse or betrayal, these events can change the way we perceive ourselves. In my experience a bit of the early parental disapproval started me down the path of trying to be “good enough” to fix things and accepting of someone not treating me the way a human being deserves to be treated.  This eventually led to 13 years of abuse from my spouse.

I know these words will not miraculously heal your wounded heart.  That takes lots of intentional work and the earlier your trauma began, the longer it will take to recuperate.  It is my hope however, that just gaining an understanding of why you are the way you are, will in some way begin the process of healing in you.  You are not alone.  You are not worthless.  You are not less than.  You were made for more than the trauma that put you here.  Don’t settle for less than you were meant to be.  Do the work and begin healing.