First I get angry and then I cry. I don’t want to let him have any semblance of control over me. I left fifteen years ago. You would think I would be over it by now and the fact that he can still in anyway affect me makes me frustrated beyond belief. Healing is definitely a process that I have not yet been able to fully complete, but I have made a list of things I have found to be helpful on your journey to freedom from your past.
- Cut off contact- No, you do not have to remain friends. No, you do not need to keep up with what he is doing. It is so much more beneficial to take care of yourself and your emotional well-being. You need to be your own best friend and don’t put yourself in situations that will lead to you feeling bad. When you are hurting, you are vulnerable. An important part of selfcare is establishing healthy boundaries. This can be more difficult if there are children involved because there will have to be some interaction. It is your right to demand all interactions are drama free and if your ex is unable to abide within this boundary, a third party may need to be enlisted as a go between. If there are no children…block your ex from your phone and social media accounts. You don’t need to see what they are doing and they don’t need to see what you are doing.
- Let go of the fantasy- What most people don’t realize is that they don’t miss the relationship they truly had, they miss the relationship that they wish they had. The relationship ended for a reason. If it really was so great, then why did it end? You need to remember those things that were not good. I once heard someone say that they made a list of all the terrible things that their ex did to them and taped it to their phone. Every time they were tempted to call their ex, they were reminded of why it was not such a good idea. You don’t need to dwell on the anger and all the bad things but in order to heal, you need to acknowledge that happened.
- Make peace with the past- This was a difficult one for me. In my mind, forgiveness meant you forgive and forget and act like nothing ever happened. After being in an abusive relationship for 13 years, I had no interest in acting like nothing ever happened. What I have learned is that to forgive someone, you only need to send the negative thoughts of that person away. Do not sit and dwell on them. When they come into your mind, acknowledge them then simply send them away. Do not allow an abusive ex to continue to have the power to hurt you. An abuser has no right to a space in your thoughts, so why give it to them? Leave your past in the past.
- Know it is ok to miss the relationship- When a friend moves away, you miss them. You get used to having someone around all the time. Our minds have a way of remembering all of the good times and it is natural to miss that friendship. Just keep things in perspective and remember, it wasn’t always good or else you would still be in it.
- Love yourself- When you chose to move on from an abusive relationship, it is an act of loving yourself. If you are like me, your inner dialogue is often negative and filled with self-doubt. You must believe that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves you and treats you right. We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself for the ones you have made in the past then move on. Believe that you deserve better.
Healing only comes when you forgive yourself.