Ten Reasons Why People in Abusive Relationships Can’t “Just Leave”

While I understand that if you have never been there, you can’t possibly know what it is like, but asking someone why they didn’t “just leave” can be further damaging.  Living with an abuser changes a person’s way of thinking, over time making them feel trapped.  Here is a list of reasons a person may not “just leave”.

• They may not be sure if it is abuse or not.  One reason for this is they may have been in it for so long, it kind of seems normal. Another is, the abuser likely has justified their behavior, halfway convincing their victim that he hasn’t done anything wrong.

• Abuse destroys their self-esteem.  They may feel like this is the best they can get, or it is what they deserve. No one deserves to be abused.

• The cycle of abuse can be confusing.  After abuse happens, the abuser often will do something nice or apologize, promising never to do it again.  This tends to make the victim minimize what actually happened.  This is sometimes referred to as the “honeymoon period” but this term is not an accurate depiction of what is happening.  It would be more accurately described as purposeful manipulation.

• It may seem dangerous to leave.  In fact, it can be deadly to leave.  The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the abuser sees no hope to get their victim back under their control.  Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the weeks after leaving an abusive partner than at any other time during the relationship.  The danger is real.

• It is hard to escape the cycle of control. On average, people in abusive relationships attempt to leave 7 times before actually being successful at it.

• Society and religion often perpetuate that marriage is forever, no matter what. Someone who is contemplating ending an abusive relationship may feel like they have failed or that they will be condemned.  While I cannot guarantee how your family will respond, I promise you, God loves the person more than he loves the institution of marriage. Read that again. The fact that your partner is abusive is not your failure. It is not your responsibility to fix your abuser. Your responsibility is to get yourself and any children you may have to a safe place physically as well as emotionally.

• A person who has been abused may feel like they are responsible for what has happened to them. Often an abuser will turn the situation around and try to make it look like it is somehow the victim’s fault.  This is called gaslighting.

• They want to believe in the “happily ever after”.  When you love someone, you want to believe that they will change or that you can love them enough to change them.  This rarely happens because you cannot want it for them, and they often have a hard time relinquishing the control they have worked so hard to obtain.

• They share a life together.  Depending how long they have been together, couples may share a home, finances and children. It is hard to imagine uprooting themselves and their children and starting all over.

• What will people think?  A person contemplating leaving an abusive relationship often fears being looked down on by family and friends. They may have been told that they are crazy or that it is all their fault.  If they leave, then everyone will know their failures.